


The book of revelations

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Modern Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 06:59:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3801115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Merlin turns down Arthur's feelings and subsequent drama, featuring nosy friends, unhappy parents and unwarranted jealousy ensues.</p><p>Title from "Anne of the Island" by L.M. Montgomerry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The book of revelations

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the lovely lovely lovely Anne Shirley series by L.M.Montgomerry. I'm sure you've all read Anne of Green Gables (at the very least) and if you haven't... well go on. Read it!

"Tell me you didn't do it, Merlin."

"Do what?"

"Refuse Arthur?" Merlin gives Lance a very sharp look. "How do you know?" Lance glares at him. "You did, didn't you?" "I don't see what the problem is. If I don't like someone, I don't. Arthur's a dear. A very sweet dear. I just don't want anything romantic with him." It was mildly ridiculous, really. Lance was looking at him like he'd kicked his puppy, and all Merlin had done was refuse Arthur's very polite, very traditional overture. He loved Arthur, really he did. Just- not like that. He couldn't afford to love Arthur like that. It was ridiculous, really. Who would want to love their best friend like that? Certainly not Merlin!

Lancelot isn't appeased. "Are you really sure? Because we've all been thinking, and, well, given your record of things, we think Arthur and you just might work out. Really." Merlin's a little annoyed by that. Lance may be his best friend, but who is he to decide whom Merlin should date and whom he shouldn't?  "Lance," he says a little tightly. "I appreciate your concern, but really. Me and Arthur wouldn't work out. I should know, and I'm telling you, that he's really a royal prat." Lance watches him slowly. "Right, then. I'll take your word for it. Even so, I really hope you were gentle with the let-down." Merlin snorts. "Arthur's thick skinned enough. I didn't say anything he can't take."

But somehow, he can't really bring himself to believe that.

They've known each other since their school days. Arthur was the arrogant, confident prat, the one that the junior boys hero worshiped, and Merlin was his arch nemesis with the big ears and the revolutionary ideas. They clashed over everything, since the day they'd met on the school grounds when Merlin was in year seven and Arthur was in year eight. Since that day Arthur had called Merlin "big ears" in the middle of the school grounds. And Merlin had promptly called him a stuck up, self obsessed prat. 

Their rivalry had been legendary. Arthur the golden boy with the minted daddy, and Merlin the brilliant scholarship boy who was braver than he could afford to be. They argued on principle, even when they absolutely agreed what the other had to say. It was just how "Merlin and Arthur" went.

They'd only called a truce when Arthur was in his last year at school and could no longer hold a rivalry with an underclassman. And from there onwards, they'd formed a tentative friendship of sorts. It had started off when Merlin's long estranged father had died.

 

_"Oi, Emrys!" Brilliant. Pendragon was the last person Merlin wanted to see. He'd just received a phone call from his mum, saying that Balinor Emrys had been found dead in a ditch twenty miles off. He'd still had their wedding ring on his finger._

_It was strange though. Merlin had never known his father, and mum had never told him why he left. He'd blamed Balinor for a long time for leaving them alone, and yet all that he felt now, was an overpowering grief for a man he barely knew, a man his mother mourned for with all her heart. Merlin wished he'd known him a little better, if at least to justify his grief. At least he could have shared the burden with his mum then. As of now, he had no idea what she was going through._

_"What do you want, Pendragon?" he asked half heartedly. For once, Pendragon does not look smug. He looks very wrong footed. "Well?" Merlin asked. "Have you got anything to say about my big ears? Or is it about the essay I submitted to the school mag? Is it silly? Is it uninteresting? Go on, Pendragon, say what you want to say and fuck off!" He turned away for a moment, only to find that Arthur hadn't moved._

_"Actually, I- uh, I heard about your father." Arthur sounded like one of those posh gits in Downtown Abbey. "I just wanted to convey my deepest sympathies to you. I know it's a difficult thing, losing a parent, and-" he paused. "If you'd like a break from the magazine and all, I'd be glad to let you off for a bit."_

_Merlin stared at him as if it's the first time he'd seen the man. Who was this Arthur Pendragon, being so kind and considerate all of a sudden. Merlin gave him a once over. Same blond hair, same sharp nose, same blue eyes, no different from last week. Or the week before. Then why for once, is he being nice?_

_As if reading his mind, Arthur rolled his eyes. "Don't take it to your head Emrys. It's only a temporary truce. I'll be back on to you once you've gotten a breather."_

_"I thought you'd tease me about this too." Merlin said, dully. And all of a sudden, there was a flash in Arthur's eyes. "My own mother died when I was born, Emrys. I may not be the best, but I'd never never do that to someone."_

_And the rest, their friends say, was history. Or not._

 

"So. Any news from young Arthur, Merlin?" Hunith asks, very sweetly as she places the most delicious apple pie on the table in front of them. Merlin's home for the weekend, as is Will, who's taken a day off from his apprenticeship at the smithy*. Merlin blushes lightly. "No mum. Haven't seen him in a while." truth be told he hasn't seen Arthur since that thing that happened two weeks ago. Not that Merlin's eager to see him. After all, the man must be a little put out that Merlin didn't reciprocate his feelings, though being the gentleman he is, was quite polite and proper. It was best to give Arthur a bit of time to cool off and find someone else to lather his affections on. 

That didn't mean Merlin didn't miss Arthur. 

Anyway, Hunith is going on and on about Arthur Pendragon. At one point during his years in University, when he and Arthur became closer than ever, Will had taken to referring to Arthur as Hunith's other boy. Will doesn't like Arthur, even though Arthur does his best to be civil to Will. They almost come to blows one Christmas, over conflicting politics (Arthur's a Tory through and through, and Will... Will's probably an anarchist.) Luckily for them, Hunith was there to save the day, and really, heaven help us all when Arthur talked back to her. (Result of growing up without a mum. You believe that they're sacred creatures who are above all other human beings. Which probably makes sense, even though you only realize it if you don't have one.)

"Poor dear all alone in London. He's got no one there, not with his father dead and Morgana off gadding about in Florence. You should bring him home more often, Merlin. I'm sure the lad would appreciate some pampering." Will makes a pointed gagging sound to that. Hunith glares at him. Merlin grunts off-handishly. 

"I'm sure he would mum. Though I'm not too sure he'd want it right now."

 

Hallowe'en comes and passes, as does bonfire night, and Arthur and Merlin fall back into a comfortable (not) pattern of friendship. Merlin's still a little tentative around him (who wouldn't be? Arthur had been earnest when he asked Merlin out, saying that he'd had feelings for Merlin for a very long time. (since the end of Arthur's year in the upper sixth. Which would make it about... oh dear, eight years.)

By the time December's swinging round the corner, everything's nearly alright. Except it's not. Not really. 

Arthur refuses Merlin's invitation to spend Christmas with them. On the other hand, Uncle Gaius and Aunt Alice do. (Merlin's convinced that it was him and Gwen who got the two long estranged lovers back together when they were in year nine. Arthur scoffs loudly whenever he says that.) It's good to see them again, seeing as Merlin hasn't in such a long time. It's nice to be home with all of them for once. Will and mum and Gaius & Alice and Gwaine and Lance & Gwen... yeah. It was going to be wonderful. 

It  _is_ wonderful. Only Merlin wishes Arthur was here with him. Arthur loves mince pies, mostly the ones Hunith makes, and and it doesn't help that Hunith sighs rather loudly when she places the pies on the table saying what a crying shame it is that Arthur's not here "he's the only one who actually appreciates a good pie". (Secretly Merlin thinks his mum's pies aren't all that good. Then again, Arthur would eat horse dung if Hunith served it at their table) Which, of course leads to everyone starting on the subject of Arthur.

"Speaking of the boy, where is he?" asks Alice, cutting herself a plump slice of cake. "He... err said he wanted to spend Christmas in London." Merlin says weakly. Across the table Lance rolls his eyes. Huntih frowns. "That's not like Arthur." Merlin shrugs. "Haven't heard from him in a while. You didn't fight did you love?" Oh dear. They're getting closer to hitting the nail on the head. Merlin  _is_ openly gay, so there's no shame in admitting it, but still... "He just wants some alone time, if that's ok mum. everyone does." He probably nailed the last nail into the coffin with that, because Gaius' eyes immediately narrow, as do Hunith's. 

and so, Gaius catches him out in the back yard after dinner smoking a very indiscreet cigarette. "You did fight, didn't you? Merlin exhales loudly and stubbs out the cigarette. "No, it's just that Arthur wanted to be something more than friends, and I don't want that something more." "Don't you, now?" "Nope." "Then I'm rather sorry about that." Merlin snorts. First Lance and now Gaius!

"I don't see why everyone seems to be throwing Arthur Pendragon in my face all the time." Gaius laughs outright. "Oh my boy." he says. "It's because you were made for, and meant for each other. Now don't look at me like that young man, it's a fact."

 

Arthur was talking to him properly, again. In a fashion. He'd found a somebody else. Her name was Mithian, and Merlin thought she was a complete and utter bitch. It wasn't the fact that she was horrid so much as the fact that she and Arthur actually got along with each other sickeningly well. They liked the same Art, visited the same places, read the same books. (Prudish upbringing, what the hell else could it be?). Gwen reckoned they'd be getting hitched at the end of the year, the way they were going. ah well. Arthur had spent the better part of the last decade pining after someone who didn't pine back after them. He deserved something nice.

That doesn't stop the churning inside Merlin's stomach that starts whenever he sees Arthur holding her hand.

 

"Gwaine's proposing to Elena after the footie match next week." Will says by way of conversation. "Well bully for him." replies Hunith. "Funny isn't it how a guy like Gwaine can be chained to a girl like Elena?" muses Merlin. "I mean, Gwaine's the ultimate womanizer out there, and Elena's just clumsy old Elena. I'd have wanted a royal femme fatale, or some James Bond to sweep me off my feet." He really hopes for someone to sweep him right into an adventure. Only, of late all his prince charming's have been creatures with blond hair and blue eyes. 

"Well you'll gain more sense than that soon, I hope." snaps Hunith, irrationally before retreating into the kitchen. Will raises an eyebrow. "Touche` mate." And leaves Merlin on the couch alone.

 

"Mithian's rather lovely, isn't she?" Gwen comments one day at lunch. "I was so worried that she'd be another one of those stuck up prudes Arthur works with, but she's perfectly nice." Merlin stabs at his steak as if it's done some personal offence to him. Lance picks up on the conversation. "Oh, yeah. For a moment there I was worried that she was going to get on with Viv. I mean, there was that disaster with Cenred right?" Merlin remembers that one well, that time Cenred was using every advance available on Arthur and Arthur was being blissfully oblivious (pining after Merlin). It had taken all of them to get Cenred off Arthur's case, seeing as that one would have ended in criminal offence had it been allowed to go on. "Mithian's good for Arthur." Gwaine says. "It's always ok to settle with someone who you can get along with. Christ that sounded old fashioned." he laughed. And immediately sobered up. "Then again, Arthur's an old fashioned man. To Arthur and Mithian," he says, raising his glass up. "Arthur and Mithian." they echo.

Merlin's never had a wine as bitter as that.

 

Of course life doesn't stop then. Merlin lives, works, has fun with his mates and goes out on the occasional date (nearly all of them ending with a vigorous shagging, and there a finale). Arthur on the other hand, is perpetually busy, finding time to do a correspondence MBA along with his work at the company. He's still steadily seen with Mithian, and everyone wonders when they'll take it to the next step.

When they meet again at Gwen and Lance's wedding (with Merlin as the best man, and Arthur, seeing as Elyan's in India and Leon's in Greece, giving the bride away.) Merlin's glowing with happiness for his friends, and feeling happy with himself for getting his co-worker Daegl to come with him as his date. Arthur on the other hand, is paler and thinner than before (work's been a bitch, he says) but doesn't say no to one dance with Merlin. 

"It's nice to be dancing here, isn't it?" Merlin says, by way of breaking ice. "It's a lovely wedding." "They're a lovely couple," Arthur replies, watching the happy bride and groom kissing on the middle of the floor. "And that's really all that matters." "Imagine what Gwaine and Elena's will be like." Arthur grins. "They're in love, aren't they?" "They are. Can you believe it? Gwaine? And Elena?" Merlin asks him. Arthur looks down, and suddenly Merlin remembers why they've been so distant these last months. 

"I can," he says. "I can."

 

Merlin's really glad Gwen lives so close by that he can drop in, just after work. (Gwen and Lance, really) He's got those scones that Gwen likes so much and he hopes she's having a good day. It's not everyday that one's best friend and his lovely wife are expecting. (For good measure, he brings an extra doughnut, seeing as they often babysit Morgana's five year old brat Mordred for her.)

Gwen looks very harried when she sees Merlin. Tired, and well... a little worried too. (very.) There's an incessant bawling coming from inside the house. "Is that Mordred?" he asks. "Why, he's being a brat tonight." Takes after his Uncle, Merlin thinks, a little uncharitably. 

sure enough, it's Mordred, wailing his little dark head off on the couch clutching his teddy like a lifeline. Merlin crouches in front of the lad. "How now, Mordred?" he says. "crying?" The lad stops screaming, even though he doesn't stop crying. "You shouldn't cry so loudly, love. It upsets Gwen and the baby." Mordred hiccups and stares at him. He's a charmer when he wants to be, unless it's times like now. "Would you like a scone?" Mordred shakes his head, his crying reduced to uncontrolled sobs. "Would you like to watch cartoons with me?" Mordred looks unimpressed. "Come on, Mords, what's wrong?" Mordred lets out a hiccup, his cheeks as red as cherries.

"Uncle Arthur-" he pauses. Merlin frowns. Did Arthur bully the little one? "What did he do this time?" "He- he- he" Mordred lets out a high pitched wail. "He fell and they took him away! Mummy said he might not come back again!"

"Mordred!" Gwen rushes into the living room frantically. Merlin reels back as if slapped. The room's suddenly too cold and too stuffy. "Merlin- don't look like that. It's all under control- Don't look like that, for God's sake!" he looks up at her blankly. "They took him to Bart's as soon as they could- Don't look like that Merlin!"

He stares at her. His chest squeezes like a vice, "I can't breathe Gwen," he says, sliding to the floor lifelessly. "Gwennie, I can't breathe!"

It was late summer, nearly a year since Arthur asked him out, and now, Merlin was coming to a slow realization. He liked Arthur! Nay not like, he loved the man! There was no Merlin without Arthur and no Arthur without Merlin. It had just taken a knock to his head to make him realize. They had been meant to be from the day they'd met.

And Arthur was dying!

There was no love, no hope left in the world if he did. Merlin  _loved_ him. Couldn't they see that? Then again, how could they, seeing that Merlin himself had been too blind to see it? How could anyone else?

It was a warm summer day, but Merlin feels that someone's swallowed the sun. 

 

He thinks he should spend the night at Gwen and Lance's trying to make heads and tails of his feelings. Why didn't he feel this way before, when Arthur asked for his love? Why did he feel it only now, when all was lost. Why did he not speak when Arthur smiled at Mithian? Why? For the first time, he realizes that he's only been fooling himself, that there's never been anyone  _anyone,_ but arthur for him. And they'd all seen that. Mum, Lance, Gaius, Gwen... even Will. And now, he could see it too.

Only he's just too late.

Merlin doesn't quite know what he's doing when he rushes out into the chilly air outside. Before he knows it, though, he's running to the tube station. He dimly recalls stumbling out at Blackfrairs and hurtling down the streets towards the hospital. He only comes to when he hurtles through the main door nearly flooring a nurse on the way.

"Arthur Pendragon," he says. "Please. I need to see him." Whoever's at the reception is not amused. "Family only, I'm afraid sir." Merlin grips the front of the desk. "Please! Please I need to know where he is!" the unimpressed look is still there. "I'm afraid-" 

"Merlin?" Leon. Looking for all the world like a strong wind would bowl him over. "Leon. Leon please-" he grabs Merlin's arm and steadies him. "I'll handle it from here, Soph. Come on, Merlin." He guides Merlin away from the front table to the cafe outside the hospital. Merlin struggles, but the grip is powerful and soon he feels too limp to fight anymore. "He's in surgery, Leon says, as he pushes a very hot, very sweet tea into his hands. 

"He's just out of surgery, and only family's allowed in. So, just Morgana." "He'll make it won't he? Tell me he'll make it." Merlin sobs. Leon looks distant. "Leon please! I love him. This can't be our end." And Leon sounds broken when he says "I don't know Merlin. I don't know."

 

Waiting room chairs aren't all that comfortable. Not really. Merlin spends the entire night with Leon in the lobby. Morgana comes out once or twice, too drained to do anything but lean her head on Leon. She doesn't notice Merlin. Merlin's up all night, trying not to think of the entire possibility that  _Arthur is going to die_ and it's only at the crack of dawn that he falls asleep. 

When he awakes the first thing he notices is that Leon is gone from the seat next to him. He glares at his watch. 8 am. He blinks. 

_Oh my God, Arthur!_

"Excuse me?" there's a pretty nurse standing by his side. "Are you Merlin?" she asks. Merlin nods shakily. "Leon sent me over to check on you. Asked me to tell you that Arthur's out of the water. He's not awake yet, but he's going to make it." 

_Out of the water... going to make it._

Merlin chokes as he grabs the girl by her shoulders. "What's your name?" "Sefa." 

"Well, thank you Sefa. You may as well have saved my life today. Thank you so much."

To prove it, he gives her an impulsive kiss. (on the cheek. His lips are saved for Arthur.)

 

 "Well, this is nice." He's brought Arthur to the little corner of London that he's found, where it's summery and there's enough wind. Merlin's not sure if Arthur should be out so late in the evening, but he can't help but want to let Arthur see the sunset. Love is a revelation full of pages of blankness and many more of words. And now, Merlin's ready to write his piece. 

Friendship simply isn't enough any more. 

"So, Gwaine and Elena." Arthur says, staring at the horizon. "Yeah." "Best man again, Merlin?" Merlin laughs and nods. Arthur chuckles. "Best not take it any more. You know what they say, thrice the bridesmaid-" "I'm not the bridesmaid." "Of course not."

Merlin smiles. It's good to be with Arthur like this again. And then, Arthur's smile fades, and he turns pensive.

"Merlin, do you ever think of your wedding? Or at least of someone you're willing to grow old with?" His throat dries up as he stares at Arthur, who looks infinitely sweet and infinitely vulnerable. "I suppose there is." he says softly. 

"I have someone I think of, in that way. I know I should forget him, that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings, but-" he takes a juddering breath. "Merlin, darling, I asked you a question last year, and you replied that you didn't feel the same way. I've tried to let these feelings go, but Goddamnit Merlin, I can't forget. I can't let go. I love you Merlin, and I always will. I'm sorry." He moves to get up. He's slow though. The surgery and its aftermath had taken its toll on him. As had the past year of heartbreak. Merlin shoots up and pulls him back down. arthur's eyes are blue and pretty and dulled with lost hope. And Merlin can't bear it. 

"Don't Arthur," he says, tenderly cupping Arthur's face in his hands. "Just don't."

The kiss that follows will go down in history as the most satisfying kiss in all of Merlin's lifetime. Arthur is hesitant at first, and then his lips part, and he's returning the kiss with equal vigour. Merlin catches his bottom lip between his teeth, licking and sucking gently. His hands card through Arthur's golden hair, and Arthur's own cling to Merlin's waist.

"I thought I'd almost lost you. I was so unbearably jealous when you went around with Mithian, so terribly jealous. And then- And then you were gone, and I couldn't breathe and-" Arthur's kissing him hard, tugging the words right out of his throat.

"When you said no, I tried to walk away. But then I realized there was no someone else. I let go of Mithian days before the fall.It wouldn't have been fair on her Merlin. It wouldn't have." There's tears in his eyes, tears of joy, tears of relief. Merlin tugs his head to the crook of his neck. 

"Oh my love." He says (yes, it  _is_ cliche, like something out of a late nineteenth century novel for young girls, but isn't this entire story?). "My Arthur. My Arthur." 

There is a book of revelations in each of our lives, a terrible judgement and reckoning. And then happiness passes through the pages, and all is well. And so two lovers find their revelations and their absolutions, and let us leave them there, in their moment of sweet discovery.

For our own revelations await us. 

And who knows where our destinies will take us?

**Author's Note:**

> *Game of thrones references. Because I'm a bit mad.  
> That aside, the story is mostly based on Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe, who spend the first five years of their acquaintance being staunch rivals, and the rest being UST friends/ crushes.  
> If you haven't read the books and you think everyone's pushing Merlin too much into getting on with Arthur, well this is based on Anne Shirley and most of the egging on that they do is based on what characters from the series do in book 3 when Anne initially refuses Gil's suit. (That includes Anne's foster mother, best friend and college-mate, as well as an old friend/mentor of sorts)  
> I don't mean to portay Merlin as weak at all, because he isn't (and Anne's one of the strongest girls I've met in literature). It's just that Anne, and in our case Merlin, don't quite know what they're feeling. They don't quite get what they want.  
> So, yeah. (don't ask me why I wrote this note.)


End file.
